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  • Writer's pictureHarper

Looking for Your Peace

At this point, I cannot stand to even look at Mr Unzipped, let alone crawl in bed with him at night. I just hope he doesn't come looking for sex that starts with Wham, Bam and never includes the thank you, ma'am. But I HAVE to find my peace. I have to find the quiet. The place where my brain, and my body, and my spirit can rest, because let's face it this girl ain't gettin' no sleep at this point.

Each day that I can't find my peace, my patience wanes and my circumstances take over my thoughts and actions. I don't want him to be able to manipulate and ruin my days with his terrible behavior, but that's what's happening. I need to find something that works for finding my quiet, and fast.

So my go-to became prayer .. and the backyard. It's H.O.T. in Texas y'all, but in the first days, I was madder than a wet hen and I needed escape. My prayers involved a lot of asking why .. and a lot of crying and yelling at God. I had no idea why in the hell this was happening to me. I'd always done my jobs. I'd made sure there was food on the table when Mr. Unzipped got home. There was generally nothing that he was expected to handle when he got home except to have dinner and hang out as a family. He lived a pretty carefree life. So why was I now staring at a man who didn't look, act, or even remind me of, my husband. Those were some of my questions for God. I questioned everything. And I just kept getting madder and further from my peace. It wasn't at all helpful.

The blazing hot patio became my reprieve - can you tell I didn't want to be inside?? It was the place where I could be away from Mr. Unzipped. He never came out for me, he never yelled to me. It was the quiet I was looking for. And in the quiet, I started to hear. It doesn't matter where you find this place for yourself. Maybe it's the quiet in the morning before the kids are up. Or the quiet driving home from work. Or maybe it's not actually quiet at all - and it's with earphones blasting your favorite 80s Rock. Maybe it's just anywhere you are without him. Whatever your quiet is, you need to find it and embrace it. Really settle into the space and hold on to the quiet. I promise you'll need the quiet place to get away from the yelling and crying in your own head - even when it isn't falling out of your mouth or eyes.

I'll tell y'all now .. the quiet can also bring out the demons. Those thoughts of what should you have done differently? How did you fail him? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too strong a woman? Did I give him enough sex? You need the demons. Just like you need the quiet. It's not so much about the actual questions the demons remind you of, or make you ask .. it's about the process and the road that you need to travel along the journey. This isn't a microwaveable journey, you're gonna need the crockpot. There will be so many times when you want to rush into saying something, or doing something ... we've all heard about those ladies that literally throw all their husbands stuff on the front lawn .. don't do anything until you've had a chance to think through all the fallout. I mean there is power in fact and there is satisfaction in staying calm around someone who is creating chaos - and just so you know, Mr. Unzipped has no idea that I know anything at this point in the story.

I promise the peace and the quiet will come. And I also promise that the quiet will bring stuff you don't want to know, or hear, or remember. But, you'll need the quiet to handle the chaos. Prayer. Meditation. Long Drives. Your coffee on the patio - hopefully y'all don't live in Texas too. If you wanna invite someone to your quiet eventually, go for it! But for the love of all things holy, do NOT make it a man. We've got a whole lotta story to get through before you get to invite another man into this shitshow.

Harper ❤


Disclaimer...Two Divorced Girls is intended to share our experiences in the hope of saving others pain and misery.  We are not doctors.  We are not lawyers. We are not providing professional advice.  If you need professional help, you won't find this here and please look elsewhere. By using this site you  agree not to rely on us for those services that can only be provided by licensed professionals.

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